WOW!  Doozie of a question if I were to ask myself.  Which I am, of course.  And my mind just went blank as soon as I wrote it. 

With that, I inhaled and stepped off a precipice into vastly unknown territory feeling terrorized by that simple four word question.

Why?  Why does it terrorize me?  Why do I have to even ask myself this in the first place?  At 71 years old I should know the answer.  That’s part of the rules and organization of life isn’t it?  Go from birth to childhood to school to job to family to middle age to grand kids to old age to death all in a row nice and neat.  No fuss, no muss, no questions asked.  Aren’t those the rules?   

Then why didn’t it work that way?  I made it to middle age and then life changed.  The rules and I crashed into a wall and I took a detour to go find Me.  Which is totally opposite of what the rules say you can do by the way.  Maybe I’ve been terrified ever since I hit that detour.  That could be. 

All I know is it didn’t work out the way the rules said it should.  What makes finding yourself so terrifying to those that make the rules?  Look at me.  Now I fear I’m not qualified to answer that question.  This is so crazy.  Self sabotage & excuses folding in on me.

Breath and stay calm.  I moved through the rules engaged in traditional business jobs and doing the expected thing until 1994 when I had a spiritual wake up call.  I’d been slowly manifesting change in my daily life with exercise and diet for several months.  One day I laid down on the couch with traditional outlooks and woke up having increased my questions of ideas that proved to be alternative outlooks.  Hmmm.

My first adventure was to go find a calendar with the moon cycles on it.  Strange to my traditional way of thinking, but off I went to places that I had never been before in the city of Cincinnati.  I found my calendar which began a round of meeting new people with my new alternative ideas and more.  My ex-husband was not a happy camper with this at all.  It didn’t fit his traditional business image and profits. 

I was guided to books on energy healing and spirituality that felt like home to me.  Again, not to my ex-husband’s liking, though he said he had some personal experience in these beliefs.  In other words, it didn’t fit in his business profile to have a wife believing in such subjects and whose career he felt would never make enough money to impress anyone. 

I woke up very rapidly with those rejections and his beliefs.  I knew they weren’t mine.  I knew I had more inside of me.  I just didn’t know what.  I wanted to know what that was.  So in 1998 we parted ways and I worked to become the Reiki energy healer until I was struck with traumatic medical illness, heart attack and brain injury in 2002.  All work halted for me and survival became my guide with God in the lead.    

When I restarted my healing business again in about 2010 I was a Reiki Master/Teacher, Sekhem Practitioner, Energy Teacher, Transformational Life Coach and Intuitive Psychic.  Just fancy titles for the things I had already been doing as a Reiki healer.  Now they had certificates to mark your place in life. 

Now here I am again, another ten years later.  This time I’m at retirement age asking myself, “What have I done worth while with my life?  What do I want to do next?  What am I supposed to do next?  Where am I going from here?” 

If you can’t relate, don’t worry.  Someday you will.  It’s a terrifying and exciting place to be in my life for sure.

I’m 71 and trauma is still a part of my personal life every day.  It never goes away.  Despite that, I’ve helped a lot of people with my healing and counseling skills, as well as my psychic gifts.  I’m extremely grateful for the wonderful clients  and business I’ve had these last ten years.  I truly do appreciate them all. 

Inside me, however, I question more each day the validity of who I am, as well as whether I really know anything at all. 

So where am I now?  An extremely poignant question for me at this time.   

Where am I going depends on who I am doesn’t it?  Or does it?  I don’t think so totally.  If we follow our intuition, it leads us to explore many things out of our known comfort zone; books, movies, museums, history, etc.   They are just exploratory places that help us figure out whether they apply to our past, present or future lives.  They may even open doors to search for more answers about us.   They do not really tell us where we are though.  They do ask us who we are?  Therefore, where and who don’t have to go together.    

I’m being honest with myself in this moment saying the only thing I really know is that I’m at a cross roads.  I’m not stopped.  I still see clients and do readings.  I started my artwork again and have rekindled an old joy of mine, writing.  But I’m not the same.  No, not at all.

There is somewhere else I have to go inside me, and perhaps outside as well, in order to find my truer Self.  I’m not looking for completion.  This is earth, not heaven.  But be nearer to me, to really hold me sacred.  To know and be Me, myself and I.  Comfort in myself.  I AM. 

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